Tuesday, September 29, 2009
"I guess I thought you'd be here forever"
another illusion I chose to create.
You don't know what you got til its gone
and I found out just a little too late"
When you sign up for I do and happily ever after "forever" is what you thought you'd get. "For better or worse, til death do you part". I thought my marriage was the real thing. That no matter what happened between my husband and I, we'd always be together. Like the song says, I thought my husband was lucky to have me, truth is we were lucky to have each other...in the beginning. As time went on I was a firm believer that he was lucky I stayed, and he was. No other woman would have stayed through what I did. As many have told me that much.
The song goes on to say,
"You found someone else you had every reason,
You know I can't blame you for running to him,
Two people together but living alone.
I was spreading my love to thin"
When you are in any kind of relationship it should be completely over before you find someone else. Of course that is not always the way it works. We all need someone to talk to and someone who will listen to us when we are hurting or just need a shoulder. The question I have always asked is, 'Why was that someone not me?' I believed my ex when he told me that I was a horrible wife and all the hurtful accusations he threw my way. As I said in my earlier post if you label a person they believe it. Take it to heart and carve that wording in stone. I know that I had a part in my marriage ending. I do blame him for turning to her and I blame her for letting him, but now I know it was not my fault.
The song talks about it taking a lot to get used to the fact the other person is no longer there and that its hard to let go. After 10 years of living with someone is does take a long time to get used to living alone. As a single parent it's even harder because while you are dealing with your loss you are dealing with theirs too.
A part of me will always love my ex, but I know that I am not in love with him anymore. I know that my life is better off without him in it. It has taken a lot of heartache, anger and crying to get over the failure of my marriage and I have done just that. You can blame the other person for the ending, but the truth is I would have done everything in my power to keep our family together, but I had no way of knowing how miserable he was because he never told me. When someone is telling you that You are the best thing that happened to him, that he loves you soo much and that no one or nothing could ever replace you in his heart, you believe him. Now I know that at the same time he was telling me all this, he was telling her that too. Sick.
Its also funny the things that come out after a relationship ends. I always thought my marriage was a perfect as it could get without being 100% perfect. I thought we were in love and wanted the family we had to always be together. What I found out is that every female that entered our house was my potential replacement. As much as that hurt, it made me realize that no, all the blame was not mine. Some of it for sure is, but most of it was his. I did not come to this conclusion lightly or because I want to place the blame on him. Unfortunately for him and myself this is the truth. My marriage was nothing, other than the ring and the piece of paper it was not even real. I loved a man who knows nothing about what it means to love someone else and commit yourself to them.
Hope you all out there are having a good day.
Until next time....
Every day is a struggle to remember why I am doing this. Not because I have to, because lets face it, most of us have the option of letting the other parent do this job. I do this because I love my children and that is the only reason I do this. I do not do it to piss of my ex, (although some days that does seem like a bonus). I don't do this because the law requires me to, or they will take them away, (another good incentive to do it of course). I want the best for my children regardless of the "broken home" label that is placed upon our family now.
The thing with labels is that children (and even us adults) take them to heart. We believe the labels that other people put on us. Someone says, "you will amount to nothing because you did not have a father in your home" you believe it so you do not work hard to get anywhere for fear "they" were right. Labels, even though you can not see them, touch them or smell them, can hurt and cause damage to us. When you say to your child, "Your such a clown" it seems like an innocent comment at the time, but really what does that tell your child, especially if they hear it over and over again? It could tell them that they are silly and that is all they are. It tells them that they are not able to be serious. Being silly is ok and even good for children, but making that something they are only capable of is not.
Even a label that seems like it could be a good thing for a child can do damage. IQ tests and scores seem like a great thing. They tell you what your child's potential is. This seems like a great thing right? However, if that is all you talk about with your child then they know you expect them to reach that potential. Then the child starts to think, well what if I can not do it? What if something I do (which could be something great) causes everyone to take this "gifted" label away. At the same time, a child who scores extremely low on this IQ test, may be made (unintentially hopefully) to feel stupid and that there is no way they can ever amount to anything.
The lesson to learn here I guess, is that we should be careful how we talk to or about, our children. Even when you think they are not listening, they are. They take everything we say to heart. Life is about growing and learning, not about about fear of failure, fear of not living up to an expectation or worse yet, living up to a negative expectation.
Well I now must make my second trip to the school.
Until next time....
Monday, September 28, 2009
This morning, I am drinking my coffee and listening to my two year old playing with is truck that he likes to ride instead of push, around the house. I love the peacefulness once the older 3 are off to school and the baby is just happily playing or watching his choo choo show. (Thomas the Tanke Engine).
Of course now that my coffee is almost gone it will soon be time to get up and go run errands and plan tonights dinner. The joys of being mom! There is nothing I love more than being Mommy. I know there are people out there who have children and hate every second of it. I think its great to watch their four different personalities develope and see how they grow into themselves. Soon I will be a mom to a pre-teen and entering a whole new era of parenthood....the dreaded teen years. I look forward to every challenging minute of it. Not say that there are not days where I want to wring their little necks for dragging mud through the house I just cleaned, or painting the bottoms of their feet and hands with craft paint and making footprints on the floor and handprints on the wall...Yes that really happened.
Each phase of parenting brings a whole new set of challenges and learning experiences. I tell my 11 year old daughter all the time that she is the one I get to make all the mistakes with and learn from for the other 3. To which she will reply with, "Yup, and I get to make mistakes too so that you can learn from my mistakes for the other 3". She is quite the character.
Well my coffee is gone and its time to get started on those errands.
Until next time....
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Wow! 30! So I turned 30 years old on the 22nd of Sept. Do I feel old enough to be 30? No not really. Am I sad that another decade of my life has come and gone, and did not end as I expected it to? No, because that is life. It means that I am living and all the ups and downs, hard times, good times and special moments are just that, life.
Looking back I realize what I do not want to repeat and what I need to improve upon. I know what I want out of life and what I do not. When I got married I was too young to know what life is all about. I knew that my family was important to me, but what I wanted out of life beside that, I had no clue about. I know I made mistakes and I acknowledge them, but I also know that no matter what if my ex had loved me at all, he would have taken the time to work out the issues we had. So as the day of our would be 12th anniversary comes to end, I can say with absolution that I am passed all that.
Its a great feeling to be over all the misery of the last 2 and half years. It feels good to not be filled with hatred and anger for my ex or her. I might no be including them in my Christmas card list any time soon, but I do not hate them anymore. I am free to live my life and do what I want with it.
We all have choices to make and in the end how our lives turn out is up to us. Of course there are "life interferences" that do happen and change the course of our life, but ultimately it is up to us. The only things we have no control over are how we come into the world, how we leave the world (unless suicide is the end), and what others do to us. Mistakes are to be learned from, not to obsess over. Even I have trouble with that one. Failure to me is unacceptable so when I do fail, I take it pretty hard. Like the end of my marriage, at first I gave myself all the blame. If only I had done this more, or if only I had done that more....truth is I was partly to blame, but then so was he. I need to spend the next 30 years learning not to blame myself for everything that goes wrong.
One other thing I am learning is that there are people we need in our lives and people we need to let go. No matter how hard it can be to let go (and Lord knows it can be extremely painful), these people are not going to benefit us in anyway. Hanging on is just a way to keep from failing, or to keep from feeling alone. Its not easy to let go or even to know when to let go. I need to work on that as much if not more than, anyone. We all know deep down the people we love and need to hang onto just as much as we know the people we love and need to let go of. Good luck on that one!
I do not have all the answers, but what I do know is that I love my children and for now, that is all that matters. So I will end here for now. Sunday, the end of a week and the beginning of a new one! LOL. Time to make sure that everything is ready for tomorrow!
Until next time.....
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Recently I posted on my facebook page that I was considering standing on my head to gain try and gain a new outlook on life. My theory was that perhaps if I stood on my head I would be able to see things in a different light.
Being a single mom is tough. There are days I lie in bed trying to decide if it is really worth it. As a mom we have the toughest job around, but as a single mom the job responsibility is double. While I was sitting on the porch this morning watching my toddler run around the yard it came to me. I do this, not because I have to, but because these children are the most important part of who I am. They are the reason I get up in the morning and continue on.
Last night my uncle called to tell us that my cousin had a nervous break down, while I did sympathize with her, I was shocked. She has no children to be responsible for, no other responsibilities except her and her husband. I kept thinking if I have not had one yet certainly there is no reason for her to have one. That's when I realized every situation is different. I have 4 great reasons to get up in the morning. Four perfect excuses for going on and making the most of the day and our life.
There were days during and after the divorce I wondered if this was all really worth it. Did I do the right thing? Am I still doing the right thing? I question every move I do, whereas before I got divorced I never really questioned any of it. The answer is simple, I do what I have to do. I do what is best for my children.
My new outlook on life did not require me to stand on my head, all it required is watching my son run around the yard pushing is jeep while making "vroom vroom" noises. My new outlook is this: Life is too short to second guess my decisions and too short to sit on my ass all day feeling like a failure due to an ended marriage that for the most was nothing worth crying over. Yesterday is over, today is a new beginning and tomorrow is something to look forward to!
In the end it will all work out. Until next time.....