It is amazing that the power a song can have over you. How listening to one song can bring back all the emotions, heartache, misery and love of the past and present can hit you all at once. As I was folding laundry the song, 'Hard Habit to Break' by Chicago came on. The first chours is:
"I guess I thought you'd be here forever"
another illusion I chose to create.
You don't know what you got til its gone
and I found out just a little too late"
When you sign up for I do and happily ever after "forever" is what you thought you'd get. "For better or worse, til death do you part". I thought my marriage was the real thing. That no matter what happened between my husband and I, we'd always be together. Like the song says, I thought my husband was lucky to have me, truth is we were lucky to have each other...in the beginning. As time went on I was a firm believer that he was lucky I stayed, and he was. No other woman would have stayed through what I did. As many have told me that much.
The song goes on to say,
"You found someone else you had every reason,
You know I can't blame you for running to him,
Two people together but living alone.
I was spreading my love to thin"
When you are in any kind of relationship it should be completely over before you find someone else. Of course that is not always the way it works. We all need someone to talk to and someone who will listen to us when we are hurting or just need a shoulder. The question I have always asked is, 'Why was that someone not me?' I believed my ex when he told me that I was a horrible wife and all the hurtful accusations he threw my way. As I said in my earlier post if you label a person they believe it. Take it to heart and carve that wording in stone. I know that I had a part in my marriage ending. I do blame him for turning to her and I blame her for letting him, but now I know it was not my fault.
The song talks about it taking a lot to get used to the fact the other person is no longer there and that its hard to let go. After 10 years of living with someone is does take a long time to get used to living alone. As a single parent it's even harder because while you are dealing with your loss you are dealing with theirs too.
A part of me will always love my ex, but I know that I am not in love with him anymore. I know that my life is better off without him in it. It has taken a lot of heartache, anger and crying to get over the failure of my marriage and I have done just that. You can blame the other person for the ending, but the truth is I would have done everything in my power to keep our family together, but I had no way of knowing how miserable he was because he never told me. When someone is telling you that You are the best thing that happened to him, that he loves you soo much and that no one or nothing could ever replace you in his heart, you believe him. Now I know that at the same time he was telling me all this, he was telling her that too. Sick.
Its also funny the things that come out after a relationship ends. I always thought my marriage was a perfect as it could get without being 100% perfect. I thought we were in love and wanted the family we had to always be together. What I found out is that every female that entered our house was my potential replacement. As much as that hurt, it made me realize that no, all the blame was not mine. Some of it for sure is, but most of it was his. I did not come to this conclusion lightly or because I want to place the blame on him. Unfortunately for him and myself this is the truth. My marriage was nothing, other than the ring and the piece of paper it was not even real. I loved a man who knows nothing about what it means to love someone else and commit yourself to them.
Hope you all out there are having a good day.
Until next time....