I am a little overtired these days, but that seems to be my normal state of being these days. Its amazing really how a few years can change the very core of who you are. I knew the divorce would not be easy and that we would all have to make adjustments.
I was talking to a friend of mine who may be going down the same road soon. While we were discussing her situation, the similarities struck me as "deja vu" like.
My husband and I got married when I was 18, same as she and her husband. We think that at 18 we automatically grow up and become adults. As if somehow we have lived enough to know that we want to spend the rest of our lives with this one person, even though our life is just beginning. At 18 we should be looking forward to college and hanging out with our friends and going to parties, not walking down the aisle and changing diapers.
Even so, at 30 I did not see my self alone raising my children with no help from the man who helped bring them into the world. The man who started out as a devoted father and loving husband is now nonexistant and distant. Certainly not the man I married and wanted to be with forever.
At first it made me sick to think that he could give up his family for someone woman who was pathetic enough to play the, "I love you so much, its making me sick and putting me in the hospital game". That he has given up nothing and I gave up everything. That he spent his 20's doing the college thing and hanging and I missed out because I loved him enough to not need that. It made me mad that we started this family together and I ended up being responsible for it alone. I mean what kind of woman goes after a married man with four kids and btw who is jobless? Either way, I am glad that he is out of my life because apparently he doesnt know what family and commitment means and who needs that? Not to mention that The reason I do this is for these children I brought in to the world. Because being a mom is not what I am it is who I am. Its hard, extremely so at times to do this alone, but in the end it will be well worth all that we have gone through and all that we will go through.
So even though at times I may feel some anger for the man who put us all here, it goes away and all I feel is sadness for the man who is missing out on o so much. Our first baby girl is going to be in jr high next year! Watching her grow up and become the woman she will be is fascinating and remarkable. All of them are changing every day and there is nothing in this world I would miss that for. Nothing and certainly not for anyone.
Until next time...