Sunday, September 27, 2009

Turning 30!

Wow! 30! So I turned 30 years old on the 22nd of Sept. Do I feel old enough to be 30? No not really. Am I sad that another decade of my life has come and gone, and did not end as I expected it to? No, because that is life. It means that I am living and all the ups and downs, hard times, good times and special moments are just that, life.

Looking back I realize what I do not want to repeat and what I need to improve upon. I know what I want out of life and what I do not. When I got married I was too young to know what life is all about. I knew that my family was important to me, but what I wanted out of life beside that, I had no clue about. I know I made mistakes and I acknowledge them, but I also know that no matter what if my ex had loved me at all, he would have taken the time to work out the issues we had. So as the day of our would be 12th anniversary comes to end, I can say with absolution that I am passed all that.

Its a great feeling to be over all the misery of the last 2 and half years. It feels good to not be filled with hatred and anger for my ex or her. I might no be including them in my Christmas card list any time soon, but I do not hate them anymore. I am free to live my life and do what I want with it.

We all have choices to make and in the end how our lives turn out is up to us. Of course there are "life interferences" that do happen and change the course of our life, but ultimately it is up to us. The only things we have no control over are how we come into the world, how we leave the world (unless suicide is the end), and what others do to us. Mistakes are to be learned from, not to obsess over. Even I have trouble with that one. Failure to me is unacceptable so when I do fail, I take it pretty hard. Like the end of my marriage, at first I gave myself all the blame. If only I had done this more, or if only I had done that more....truth is I was partly to blame, but then so was he. I need to spend the next 30 years learning not to blame myself for everything that goes wrong.

One other thing I am learning is that there are people we need in our lives and people we need to let go. No matter how hard it can be to let go (and Lord knows it can be extremely painful), these people are not going to benefit us in anyway. Hanging on is just a way to keep from failing, or to keep from feeling alone. Its not easy to let go or even to know when to let go. I need to work on that as much if not more than, anyone. We all know deep down the people we love and need to hang onto just as much as we know the people we love and need to let go of. Good luck on that one!

I do not have all the answers, but what I do know is that I love my children and for now, that is all that matters. So I will end here for now. Sunday, the end of a week and the beginning of a new one! LOL. Time to make sure that everything is ready for tomorrow!

Until next time.....

1 comment:

  1. i just found you today and i am glad i did. as i sat nursing a sleeping baby, (bad mommy)i caught up on your posts and tears swelled up in my heart and eyes. tears of sadness and joy. keep it up, cause yes, they are worth everybit of it. :) i am a 31 year old twice divorced mother of 3 girls. i may not completely understand your pain, but i do understand a lot i'm sure. keep them coming, and i will check back daily as i too sip my coffee in the am. off to clean after the wreckage before school lets out.